Take Courage and Wait

I tried to write this so many different times. Well, actually, not this, but something else. I had a whole other thing to share, but after many times of re-wording, rewriting whole sentences, and reconstructing the entire post, it still felt forced. Not because it wasn't from my heart, but because God wanted to use this piece of writing to show His power and further teach me that there is absolutely nothing I can do in the healing process but rely on Him.

Which I guess leads to the question of, "What are you healing from, Erin?" Actually, it's not the easiest question to answer because a pesky little pride bubble builds in my throat, blocking any truth of how I am actually doing from escaping to most who have asked over the last few months.

I've had this ongoing fight with depression.

Wait, what?
Do I not have the joy of the Lord anymore? Did it just leave? Does this mean I can no longer call myself a Christian because I'm feeling this way? Am I not being as thankful as I should be? Did I do something wrong to deserve this season of life? Satan will use any foothold to plant lies in my mind.

So, instead of deciding to write on either pride or depression, let's just kill two birds with one stone, shall we? Also, please know that I am not saying I have found the solution to either of these topics. I am simply telling my experience and what the Lord is teaching me through it.

I guess I'll just start by saying pride is lame. God specifically lists it as one of the things He hates. Not to mention it leaves this empty feeling once you have reached where you thought you wanted to be. For me this translates into realizing that I want to do things on my own, not so much because I think I don't need other people, but more with a mindset of wanting to be able to prove to myself that I can accomplish things that I set my mind to.



God demonstrates how He feels about this kind of attitude in the Bible  One instance that comes to mind is in the book of Numbers, chapter 20. God specifically tells Moses to speak to the rock to get water that God will cause to flow out. Oh, and God also tells him to do this after Moses assembles the entire community to watch. It's no longer this nonchalant comment to the rock. It's about to be an exceptional display of power that only God could formulate - with the end result being all attention and glory given to their Father for what He would provide for them!

Long story short, Moses hits the rock twice instead of speaking to it like he was told. God doesn't get as much glory. And Moses is banned from going into the Promised Land because he didn't trust God to demonstrate His holiness to the people of Israel (Numbers 20:6-12). Moses did end up proving that he could do something, but in his pride, he didn't allow the fullness of God's provision and holiness to be revealed. Moses reacted in the way he saw fit, and it cost him his leadership role among God's chosen people.

That's where my current season of emotions comes into play. In not wanting to admit weakness, have a feeling of failure, or cause people to pity me, I didn't tell anyone. Even my closest friends, for months, didn't know how or what I was feeling because I did not want to look weak. Instead of being a reflection of grace and surrender to the Lord, I became a reflection of our culture. A culture that includes people like The Script, Kelly Clarkson, and Rachel Platten telling me that every hour I can turn my pain into power, I'm invincible, and I've still got a lot of fight left in me. Let me put these into perspective for you.

I tried praying more. I was spending awesome time in the Word every day, and I was even telling people I was fine and smiling at the same time, which made me feel like I had the situation under control. But instead of just voicing things and allowing God's power to work in and through others, I became self-reliant and tried to take matters into my own hands. Eventually, even my attempts to be strong despite what I was feeling became weaknesses that I [finally realized I] had no control over. All of these attempts proved futile.

The mask I had put on was my version of hitting the rock. I really was having good times in God's Word, but because I wasn't allowing anyone else to know my struggles, God's power wasn't able to be fully displayed in my life. I wasn't allowing his holiness to reflect in me. As I tried to prove that 'doing the right things' was enough to make me not look or feel weak, I had forgotten to rest in who God is as my Comforter. Instead of asking the Spirit to lead me to the Rock that is higher than I, I tried to climb and conquer a mountain in my own strength. I have spent my time trying to convince everyone around me that I am fine, only to find I am quickly running out of steam in promoting my own "strength".

As I have begun to tell my close friends my experiences, I have felt weaker than ever. I was embarrassed that I couldn't explain fully what was going on in my head. I was ashamed at not only what I was feeling, but that I had kept it from them. I was upset that I had to confess my sin of being short and mean, and have been humbled in asking for forgiveness. I also felt confused, because I knew that God was big enough to create all of everything, and yet I had trouble remembering that He was right there with me in moments that I didn't understand.



I just watched the 'How Great Is Our God' sermon by Louie Giglio for the first time a few days ago. Timely, eh? Well, he was speaking about how in Isaiah 40, there was a moment where God's people felt like God had forgotten about them. Their general complaint? "But now, does God see what I'm going through? Does He know that I can't take one more step or endure one more day, and can He do something?" Isaiah responds by telling them that God is Everlasting, and His understanding no one can fathom. But, he also renews the strength of those who wait on Him.


In Greek, the term 'wait' in this passage literally means to trust. Trusting despite the chaos or confusion. To stand right in the middle of the moment and trust that God is still sovereign, and He is still good (Isaiah 40:28-31). Trusting that I will see the goodness of God in the land of the living (Psalm 27:13). At this point of my life, joy means realizing that I am standing in the middle of the most weakness I have ever felt and be aware that I am nothing without my Creator and Redeemer. I have nothing without Him. I can do nothing apart from Him (John 15).

Something God is teaching me from Isaiah and Numbers is that God does give us moments, circumstances, or even whole seasons where life doesn't seem to be going as we want it. After strenuously trying every possible avenue of 'fixing myself', I have come to the end of my own strength and have started to pay more attention to the words in Isaiah. Instead of continuing to handle things according to what I think is best, I have committed myself to believing that God sees me and knows what I'm going through. And even more, that He is good. As I stand here in this season, I will take courage and trust in the Lord. I will wait on His timing. And I will see His goodness.

This season in my life doesn't mean that God is far from me, or even silent. Quite the contrary, actually. God cares about my personal relationship with Him so much, that He is willing to point out areas of weakness or unrighteousness so that I have the ability to step into more of the likeness of the God who created me in His image. When healing does come, know that there is absolutely nothing I did or can do to bring change in myself. Until then, I want to make sure God gets every ounce of recognition from the growth this has caused and the healing He can bring.

Since I let down my pride and told people about my weakness, they have committed to pray for me. They have committed to ask me hard questions. They have committed to showing me more grace where sin increases in the way I treat them. They have committed to sticking with me and enduring the hard things rather than giving up. They have committed to and upheld their commitment in loving unconditionally.  Thank you for being a reflection of the One who loved us first.

Love Prospers

Love prospers when a fault is forgiven, but dwelling on it separates close friends. Proverbs 17:9

When something prospers, it flourishes. It grows strong and healthy. It is successful. It is beautiful. Which, by definition, means that if something does not flourish, it fails. Like, not just a little unsuccessful or hindered, but complete and utter failure. Love cannot be shown where there is not forgiveness because they are one in the same. Without one, you cannot and will not have the other.

The Maze Runner is one of the few movies that kept me entertained throughout the entire two hours. Seriously, I think I spent more time holding my breath than actually breathing. All of the action, and cheesiness aside, there was one scene that made me more anxious than any of the others.
Just to give you the basics of what you need to know Thomas (right) has been in the Maze for three days, and can't remember anything but his name. Newt (left) has been there for three years. Once Thomas shows up and meets Newt, a lot of people start to die. No one can figure out why until after a series of unfortunate events when Thomas has to inject some blue junk into his body to figure out where he came from. In the mean time, Newt has been working day-in and day-out over the last several years just to allow himself and the others to stay alive. So, not exactly the ideal living situation. Aaaaand, that's where I'll just let you read:

Thomas: Guys, I'm one of them. The people who put you here, I worked with them. I watched you guys for years. The entire time you've been here, I've been on the other side of it. So were you, Theresa. We did this to them.

Theresa: No, it can't be true.

Thomas: It's true. I saw it.

Theresa: Why would [the company] send us here if we were with them?

Thomas: It doesn't matter.

Turns out that Thomas wasn't just a part of the unfortunate events, but he, along with Theresa helped plan them and chose the specific people that would be a part of the Maze that would lead to some of their deaths. So, at this point, Newt now knows that all of his time, pain, work, lack of memory, etc., is because of Thomas and Theresa.
So, he has a couple of ways to respond.

A similar story is found in the first book of the New Testament called Matthew, Chapter 18:

23 “Therefore, the Kingdom of Heaven can be compared to a king who decided to bring his accounts up to date with servants who had borrowed money from him. 24 In the process, one of his debtors was brought in who owed him millions of dollars. 25 He couldn’t pay, so his master ordered that he be sold—along with his wife, his children, and everything he owned—to pay the debt. 26 “But the man fell down before his master and begged him, ‘Please, be patient with me, and I will pay it all.’ 27 Then his master was filled with pity for him, and he released him and forgave his debt.

28 “But when the man left the king, he went to a fellow servant who owed him a few thousand dollars. He grabbed him by the throat and demanded instant payment.

29 “His fellow servant fell down before him and begged for a little more time. ‘Be patient with me, and I will pay it,’ he pleaded. 30 But his creditor wouldn’t wait. He had the man arrested and put in prison until the debt could be paid in full.

31 “When some of the other servants saw this, they were very upset. They went to the king and told him everything that had happened. 32 Then the king called in the man he had forgiven and said, ‘You evil servant! I forgave you that tremendous debt because you pleaded with me. 33 Shouldn’t you have mercy on your fellow servant, just as I had mercy on you?’ 34 Then the angry king sent the man to prison to be tortured until he had paid his entire debt.

35 “That’s what my heavenly Father will do to you if you refuse to forgive your brothers from your heart.”

Again, this man could have responded in two ways. One option was to reflect the forgiveness he had been shown by the gracious king to others. Another was to quickly forget how much he had been forgiven by the king and continue to go on holding bitterness and past offenses against people. Not forgiving past offenses only served not only make the people's lives who 'owed him something' more miserable, but also making his life all the more miserable and bitter.

Reading this story, it's easy to think, "Well, any person in their right mind would be more than happy to let go of the offenses and it should be easy" And you'd be right. There's just one problem.

As humans, we have done what is evil in the sight of the King. We have broken a good relationship with God, and because of that, we no longer think out of our 'right mind'.

In the past few months, I have been trying to figure out with how to deal with resentment that grew in me because I needed to forgive someone. I had become frustrated with another person and myself for creating unmet expectations in my heart. The excitement that lied in my anticipation turned to questions which I then allowed to turn to bitterness. By relying on something other than Christ to make me happy, I allowed the enemy to get a foothold in my heart and create fear and anger and thoughts filled with lies. And for a long time, I didn't know how to remedy the daily reminder from the enemy of the bitterness I held.

We are bent toward sin. The only way to transform our minds is looking at the example of Jesus. Psalm 103:10-14 says, "He does not deal with us according to our sins, nor repay us according to our iniquity. For as high as the Heavens are above the earth, so great is His steadfast love toward those who fear Him; as far as the east is from the west, so far does He remove our transgressions from us."

Uh, what?

So, you mean that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us? (Romans 5:8) And we have to replicate his example if we've chosen to call Him our Lord and Savior? And no matter the extent of the wrong that someone has done, we have to show them Christ's love and forgiveness in everything we do? 

Actually, yes. That's exactly what I'm saying.

One of the greatest and hardest things about following Jesus is asking for forgiveness. Forgiveness is humbling by its nature. To tell someone we've willingly or unknowingly done wrong to them is not exactly something we enjoy doing.

Giving forgiveness is another thing. When you forgive someone, you're telling them that they no longer owe you anything. Even though they've done wrong, or caused you pain, emotionally, verbally, or even physically.

Now, back to The Maze Runner. Here's how the conversation ends for Thomas and Theresa, fully expecting any and all punishment they deserve for putting their new friends through such agony over the past few years.

Newt: He's right. It doesn't matter. Because the people we were before the Maze? They don't exist anymore. These creators took care of that. What does matter is who we are now and what we do now. You went into the Maze and found a way out. Pick yourself up and finish what you started. Because if we do nothing, that means our friends died for nothing, and I can't have that.

The person you were before you knew Jesus doesn't exist anymore. What matters is who you are now and what you do with the forgiveness you've been shown. God gave you a way out of your broken state and has now allowed us to be a part of what He has started in redeeming others. If we do nothing, and continue to live in our selfish inclinations, it means Christ's death means nothing to us.

If you already know Jesus, it should not only be easy, but it should be a joy to forgive those around you. Please don't hear me say I've got this down. I'm learning too. But we are called to forgive not just a few times, but more than we can count. We have got to bear with one another and forgive just as we have been forgiven (Colossians 3:13, Matthew 6:14-15). As a disciple of Jesus, you have been rescued from death to life. In Jesus we have redemption, the forgiveness of sins (Colossians 1). Put away self-righteousness and remember that it is only through Christ that we are acceptable to stand before our King at the end of time. 

If you don't already know Jesus, I encourage you to see for yourself. There's no catch in asking for His forgiveness that He doesn't clearly lay out in the cost of choosing to follow Him.  He is merciful and forgiving, even though we have rebelled against Him (Daniel 9:9). But, we must turn from our old life to accept the new, one that He has offered, even in our current state found in the forgiveness shown through Jesus dying and rising again.

Since I have begun to hand my expectations over to the Lordship of Christ, He reminds me daily of how worthy He is to be praised. And the way I can praise Him is by following His example in forgiving others like He has forgiven me. I can trust that no matter how little or big the wrong is that someone has done to me, I will see the goodness of the Lord for the rest of my life and the rest of eternity, in the land of the living.

Love keeps no record of wrongs. We must continually forgive, because when we forgive faults, of our own and others, it is then that love prospers.


*Shoutout to a couple of my great friends, Deanna and Whittany for making sure I got to verbally process this before I left America, and then gave me so much truth and wisdom about the forgiveness that needed to take place. If you don't have heart friends like them, you're wrong.

Surrender

This video on surrender might be the most convicting, beautifully spoken combination of grace and truth I've heard in a while. Really hit me in how I view my life and the fear I have clenched for far too long. So worth the ten minutes of your day. Do you love your life more than Christ Himself?

Grander Earth Has Quaked Before

Sometimes, life throws weird things your way. Like, one of your best friends gets married and is suddenly in a new season of life. Or a few more of your good friends are in another town or on another continent for a summer, and you’re left out of the experience of knowing how Jesus is working in their hearts and through their lives. Or maybe you get some medical thing that no one really knows how to explain, so the doctors just tell you everything is okay because you don’t fit into one of their categories or diagnoses. Or maybe you are just insecure enough that starting two new jobs sends you on a path of anxiety that you’ve never really struggled with or experienced before. And what about going overseas for four months relatively soon and having zero clue about what to expect or how to prepare? Or maybe all of this happens to you at the same time. And maybe all of these ‘maybes’ can be summed up by one word.

Fear.

Now, I’ve taken temperament tests pretty regularly over the past several years and their results are that I am undisputedly phlegmatic. That means that I don’t tend to get overly excited or anxious about things. So, naturally the fear crept up in the same way - subtly - Until suddenly, I found myself overwhelmed at the amount of things that I was not only vainly worrying about, but completely incapable of controlling.

From a very young age, I heard of Jesus calming the storm by simply telling the waves and wind to “Be still” despite the doubt of His followers (Mark 4:35-41).

“That day when evening came, he said to his disciples, “Let us go over to the other side.” Leaving the crowd behind, they took him along, just as he was, in the boat. There were also other boats with him. A furious squall came up, and the waves broke over the boat, so that it was nearly swamped. Jesus was in the stern, sleeping on a cushion. The disciples woke him and said to him, “Teacher, don’t you care if we drown?”

He got up, rebuked the wind and said to the waves, 

“Quiet! Be still!” Then the wind died down and it was completely calm. He said to his disciples, “Why are you so afraid? Do you still have no faith?” They were terrified and asked each other, “Who is this? Even the wind and the waves obey him!”

For me, this story is no longer just a story of the past, but a real-time representation of Jesus- who was and is and is to come. The same God that calmed the storm and silenced the crashing waves then is the same God who is still has power over roots of fear today. 
Right now. All of them.

Another instance when God gives the command to be still is in Psalm 46:10, which most people know and take advantage of the command to “Be still and know that I am God”, without giving thought, as I once didn’t, to the second half of the verse. “I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth!”. God does all things for our good and His glory. And He deserves all of that glory. After all, He’s sovereign and good and just and loving and patient and the whole slew of holy perfection.

This stillness is our holiness. To be set apart. Max Lucado said it well in saying, “It’s not the absence of storms that sets us apart. It’s whom we discover in the storm: an unstirred Christ”. Remembering that all of the chaos, blessings, and combinations of the two are how God has chosen to show me His grace at this point in life is crucial to the Gospel. On the cross, Jesus took ALL of my sin. My feelings of insufficiency, my anxiety and worry, and my fear were defeated three days after His death - in His rising. And now I live in freedom because that same power that defeated death is in me (Romans 8:11).

Simply acknowledging my fear is not enough. Handing it over to the Lordship of Christ is a necessary next step in taking up my cross daily, so that in exchanging my life for His, I might find real life (Luke 9:23-24). Letting fear continue to control my thoughts and actions is the opposite of what Christ died for. When we remember that Jesus calmed storms then and still calms storms now, we can live in the freedom He died to give us (Galatians 5:1). And so, in that freedom, we can be still and know that He is God, not just for our own comfort, but for the purpose of Jesus making His name known on earth, and showing His glory to all people.  

So, what does it look like to trust God with friends overseas, in new seasons of life, health, new jobs, and future experiences? It looks like starting my day trusting and obeying the God of peace (1 Corinthians 14:33) by reminding myself of the hope that is found in the freedom Christ died and rose to give me. Now, I find myself in a position similar to the disciples in Mark 4:41 when Jesus had already shown Himself more powerful than their present storm. What was the response of these chosen followers, these men who had just seen one of the many miracles Jesus performed right in front of their eyes, these men whom Jesus wanted to use to change the course of history for His glory? “They were terrified and asked each other, “Who is this? Even the wind and the waves obey him!”

I wish I could tell you that at the reading and remembering of all the truth I’m sharing with you has instantly lifted all of my fears. However, I remain as one of the disciples. Somewhat terrified, but also realizing that the things I am afraid of are in the hands of the One who has gone before me, and the One who will be with me. Therefore, I have no reason to fear (Deuteronomy 31:8). Faith is always a risk and it's always a dare. But it's a far more dangerous thing to listen to fear. He's never failed and He won't start now.


A song that has been ministering to my heart lately is called 'It is Well' by Bethel Music. I normally don't like voices like hers, but this song is so full of truth. Go listen to it when you get the chance, but in the mean time, here are some of the lyrics:

Grander earth has quaked before

Moved by the sound of His voice

Seas that are shaken and stirred

Can be calmed and broken for my regard

Through it all, through it all, my eyes are on You

Through it all, through it all, it is well

So let go, my soul, and trust in Him

The waves and wind still know His name

Worth Craving

In the past several months I have noticed an increased desire to eat. Everything. All the time. Planning out each meal (and the snacks in between) and anticipating the next time that savory food slides down my throat into the pit of my stomach is practically a past-time. And after that meal takes place, there is no time wasted as the thought of what the next meal will be is already in progress. 

If it’s unhealthy, it’s probably safe to bet that I like it. Brownies, cookies, ice cream, and of course the ‘well deserved’ glass of chocolate milk to wrap-up my day. Creamy peanut butter with crunchy chocolate chips with a hint of banana underneath is the way I like half of my recommended servings of daily fruit. The other half is not far from the juiciest apple you’ve ever bitten into with a nice slab of Nutella.

Long story short, food began to own me. I was a slave to the satisfaction found in the twenty seconds after devouring a piece of dark chocolate. I had shown God my appreciation for food, something that he had given to me and provided to sustain me out of His goodness, by replacing him with food on the throne of my heart. Guilt and shame soon to follow.

I’m sure there’s at least one person reading this thinking, “You’re really just being dramatic”, “Everyone eats a lot”, “Some people just have a sweet tooth”, “It’s just food, it can’t take the place of God”. And that’s where I wish I could say you were wrong. 

Jesus, while refusing to give in to the temptation to find his nourishment and sustenance in physical food replied to Satan in the desert, “My food is to do the will of him who sent me and to finish his work” (John 4:34). Fulfilling the desire of his Father was more important than anything Jesus could have put in his mouth at that point. Literally, his soul “yearned and fainted for the LORD”, and his heart desired the Living God (Psalm 84:1-2). 

Yes, He was 100% God, but He was also 100% man. Which means HE WAS HUNGRY after those 40 days in the desert. Yet, Jesus chose to not “love the world or anything in it”, but instead found strength in the satisfaction of his Father. “For everything in the world- the cravings of sinful man, the lust of his eyes, and the boasting of what he has and does - comes not from the Father but from the world” (1 John 2:15-16). Jesus looked ahead to the eternal benefit of putting the desires of God above the desires of his stomach. 

So, what are the implications of this for me? After recently reading a book called Made To Crave by Lysa TerKeurst, there are practical steps toward craving the things of God (eternal) rather than craving immediate gratification (temporary). First, I have to give up my ‘right’ to eat whatever I want just because I can. “Everything is permissible for me, but not everything is beneficial..I will not be mastered by anything” (1 Corinthians 6:12). The process of giving up my constant craving for food gave new definition to denying myself and taking up my cross daily in order to show Christ that He is more worth my time, effort, love, and thoughts than the next meal I eat. 

What really drove the point home was Paul’s recordings in Philippians 3:18-19, which says, 

[“For, as I have often told you before and now say again even with tears, many live as enemies of the cross of Christ. Their destiny is destruction, their god is their stomach, and their glory is in their shame. Their mind is on earthly things”].

Believe me, there have been many tears on my end, not just because of the way I feel after giving in to those cravings, but feeling like a failure in the sight of the One who cares most about me.

But, reading on in the next two verses, there is hope for even the lowest points. For the points when I feel I have been overcome by an inanimate object. For the points when the world says I can have my (second slice of) cake and eat it too - there is the remembering of what Christ did for me on the cross.
Knowing I was a sinner, and would soon choose my love of food over his love for me, Jesus willingly suffered, hung on a cross, and died. Because I was bought at a price, my body is no longer mine. I have submitted it to the Lordship of Christ, in the secure hope of being transformed through his righteousness (Philippians 3:20-21). Defeating death, he rose three days later to conquer death and all sin. For those who choose to believe in him and what He did on the cross, Jesus gives the benefit of being children of God and inheriting eternal life in Heaven. (John 1:12).

Now, choosing to eat that fourth brownie might be okay for me, but is it beneficial? Do I crave knowing and walking with Jesus as much as I’m craving that next bite of baked deliciousness? Those are the moments that from now on, I will NOT choose to live as an enemy of the cross. I was not made to be in bondage to something from a Betty Crocker box, but it is for FREEDOM that Christ has set me free, so I won’t be “bound by a yoke of slavery” (Galatians 5:1). My god will not be my stomach. My finest moments will not come just moments before a time of shame filled failures. My mind will not be on earthly things. Instead, my God will be the unconditional love shown for me on the cross by a man named Jesus Christ.  And what is more exciting, worth desiring, worth craving, than to know and follow this God who, “redeems our lives from the pit, and crowns us with love and compassion, who satisfies our desires with good things for the sake of knowing Him?” (Psalm 103:3-5).